My story of the gentle healing of the fear of death by joining with the love of Jesus.
Awakening is gentle. Why is it gentle? Because the Holy Spirit is Gentle. He uses gentleness by gently reminding us of who we are and where we are. He corrects us gently by bringing a new perception in. Gentleness awakens us. Gentle thoughts of love swirl in our mind until nothing else is present. Gentleness is soft and open. Soft and open.
To contrast the gentleness of the Holy Spirit, we have the ego or at least we “seem” to have it. The ego is the false thought system which is everything but gentle. The harsh ego fear thought system brings thoughts of guilt, fear, blame, shrieking, unkindness, separation and depression. The ego is harsh and closed. Harsh and closed.
So, our journey with the course, is to turn away from the harsh thoughts of the ego and turn instead to our gentle guides, the Holy Spirit and Jesus, who gently corrects our misperceptions. When we practice forgiveness, by bringing all our harsh thoughts to our gentle guide, the outcome of the shift, via the miracle, is that our mind becomes soft and open. Soft, gentle and open. Therefore, our behaviour and words become soft, gentle and open.
I would like to share one of my miracle experiences which demonstrates the gentleness of awakening. This healing was through the Prince of Gentleness, Jesus, who I turned to for help to heal the harsh ego darkness of fear in mind by bringing the light of love, laughter and freedom to replace it.
Once our only desire is for the Peace of God, the lesson will present itself for the healing of each fear. These lessons are when situations present themselves which seem to cause intense fear. These fears arise and are the obstacles to the peace of God. In A Course in Miracles, there are references to the ring of fear that we may go through and we are told that the ego goes from suspicious to vicious. But, even having the awareness that the ego gets vicious, or that we may face the fear, it may not help us when it happens. What does helps, is being willing to ask Jesus or the Holy Spirit to help you when the fear arises. He is the gentle answer. He is the guide that helps in the healing and resurrection of our mind.
This is my story of when I became ready to face the egos biggest fear. The fear of death.
The fear of death lesson feels like your worst fear is pushed into your face and shrieked at you by the ego. Well at least, that’s how it felt for me. I prefer not to sugar coat this part of the journey, because when you experience the egos vicious fear coming up, it can be comforting to know that others have experienced this fear as well BUT it will not last long if you quickly join with Jesus or the Holy Spirit and ask for the miracle. We need to ask for help to see the situation differently. We need to ask for help to shift our perception.
So, late in 2014, I had been unemployed for three months and was feeling very anxious about running out of money. The ego kept giving me the image of my body lying in the gutter outside my house. I would see images of myself in the gutter crying, cold and starving. It felt like my worst nightmare. By this stage of my mind training, I knew that this was the egos “big gun” of fear. The fear of being homeless was my achilles heal. The big gaping sore that the ego would go back to pick at time and time again, like the constant picking off the scab of a festering sore, to keep it open and oozing pus.
So, the ego fear thoughts came thick and fast when I was out of work and seemingly, I could not find a job. I knew this was my classroom lesson that I had to face so I was prepared. I had extreme fear about dying. Fear about suffering in the gutter. Fear about no one caring. Fear of no money. Fear of no food. Fear of being cold. Fear of dying. Fear of not being taken care of. Fear of being abandoned by God and everyone. Fear. Fear. Fear.
One morning, when a job I thought I would easily get, did not come through, I went into intense fear. Three months was now up and I was down to my last $20 in the bank. I was guided not apply for social security payments or ask anyone for any help. The Holy Spirit guided me to trust him in the lesson.
I decided to go for a walk to the local shops to buy a coffee. I lamented the fact that I was broke and couldn’t afford to even buy a snack. I bought a take away coffee and went around the back of the shopping centre to drink it, where there was a water cove inlet shaped like a lake and it was quiet. I sat down on the concrete path around the water's edge and dangled my feet over the side. The water was dirty and muddy. I looked into the muddy water and felt this terrible feeling of doom. Doom of death and suffering as a homeless person. I closed my eyes and asked Jesus to help me. I cried out to him and said, “You have to help me. Please come to me. I am so fearful of being in the gutter and dying. Please help me face this fear with you. Only you can show me another way”.
Immediately, I felt his presence and he asked me to face the fear with him. I said yes and then saw myself walking up to the gutter outside my house and started lying down in it. I could feel Jesus looking at this situation with me. I laid down in the gutter and stared up at the sky. I felt the cold concrete against my back. Then, all of sudden, I found myself bursting out laughing. All this joy rushed through me. Lying in the gutter was nothing. It meant nothing. It was nothing. It was meaningless. I felt this intense feeling of release of years of worry leaving me. There was no suffering in being in a gutter. It was just a place that had no meaning. All the fear of being homeless left me in an instant.
Then Jesus said to me that he was going to heal my mind of the belief in pain and death. All of a sudden, I felt that I was being laid back onto a wooden cross. I could feel the timber hard against my back. He was talking to me in my mind the whole time. He put my hands out on the wooden side posts and I could see a nail poised to be hammered into it. I had no fear. His gentleness and love was all I could experience. Then he joined his mind to my mind, in the moment of the crucifixion. He showed me that he did not experience any pain. I could feel myself on the cross in his body, in absolutely no pain. He said, that he could not feel pain at his death and now I was just like him. I felt this intense love and complete fearless mind for the first time.
His voice gently subsided and I felt myself coming back to my surroundings of the water cove. I opened my eyes and all I could see was this sparkling water in front of me. It was crystal clear. I could see the little pebbles at the bottom and little bits of silver glittering. It was a completely different scene. There was no mud. There was only this beautiful clear water. It was amazing.
From that day onwards, I have never experienced the fear of death again. I have never again, had a thought based on lack of money, food or housing. They just don’t come in. They are gone because they were washed away by the gentle love of Jesus. The false has been seen as false. My mind was healed of the fear of death and God – the last obstacles to peace.
After the miracle, I was guided to trust not in my own plan but the Holy Spirits. A few days after this healing by Jesus, my niece came to see me and bought me a $200 gift card for food at the local food store. I wept as I saw the miracle. I could not have known that this would happen. Then, I was guided to call the electricity, gas, water companies and bank to let them know I was out of work. Every single one gave me many months of free services. The bank allowed me six months without a mortgage repayment. I was astounded at what was being offered. After the six months, I was guided to sell my property and live with my Mother at her house.
Each step of guidance just came in and I naturally followed it. I never planned any of these decisions. Each decision was bought to me as I listened and followed. It was easy because all the fear was gone. A healed mind does not plan. It listens and follows the plans that are given it. I lived with my mother for 18 months. During that time, people were sending me photos of bedrooms they had set up for me to stay in. I travelled around staying in people’s homes, talking and sharing the message of the Holy Spirit. It was so freeing.
After 18 months, I was guided to rent a house down south of Melbourne city, on the Mornington Peninsula. After I had been renting the house for nearly a year, I was guided to show my Dad a photo of a house for sale in the next street to where we were renting. He looked at the photos and said “Looks like I am buying you a house”. He purchased the house outright for my husband Kevin and I to live in with no rent or mortgage to pay. He simply gave us the house. The house is not “my house”, it is the Holy Spirits house to use as he guides me. Everything is the Holy Sprits to use. I own nothing.
The message I want to convey in this article, is that we cannot know the answer for what we think as a “problem”. If you follow the teachings of Jesus in A Course in Miracles, you will find freedom. By joining with your gentle guide, in trust and appreciation, you will return to the Mind of Peace. In returning, you remember, you never left.
Love and hugs, Cate Grieves